What “Being Wrong” Has Gotten Me
Rumi once said, “Out beyond right-doing and wrongdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” I think of this quote often because I’ve wanted to be right for as long as I can remember. I wanted to be right in every argument, in every debate, in my life choices, in my professional decisions, ok- you get the point. For any Newsroom fans out there, my quest to be right mirrored Will McAvoy’s mission to civilize. However, there have been several moments in my life that have caused me to pause, to reassess, to adjust, and ultimately, to evolve — moments where I was wrong. These moments became the instigators of my lifelong learning doctrine centered around active listening.
One of the more memorable moments happened in 2008, on the first day of Edward Pfister’s Freedom of Expression and Communication Ethics course. After a course introduction and review of the syllabus, Professor Pfister walked over, pointed at me, and asked, “What is the good?” Dumbfounded and wide-eyed, I muttered back, “not bad?” My less-than-articulate response exposed the fact that I didn’t have all the answers. As an opinionated sophomore, only one year removed from my (winning) local St. Maarten debate team, I was appalled with myself, downright mortified. One of my favorite quotes from Maya Angelou is, “people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Perhaps this explains why I have never forgotten that moment or Professor Pfister. I dove into his course like you would the ocean on a hot summer day. The class was mostly philosophical in nature, focusing on morality, subjectivity, and Supreme Court cases, and so, my tenacity for active listening and critical thinking were stimulated.
Several years later, I was sitting with my boss having a developmental conversation. It was 2015, and he was sharing with me that I struggle to deal with paradox. At the time, I interpreted his message as I was being too consistently me: always fiery, too passionate about everything, using my intellect to run people (who I didn’t agree with) over. Let me tell you, I wasn’t having it. This was my identity. I wasn’t going to decelerate so others could catch up. I continued to bulldoze through obstacles, and it wasn’t until relatively recently that I understood what my boss meant years prior. In a 2015 HBR article (which I didn’t read until 2020), Herminia Ibarra wrote about the Authenticity Paradox, and I immediately recognized my inclination to be a “true to selfer.” Using my rigid definition of authenticity and my desire to always be authentic and consistent got in the way of my growth, and quite honestly, my capacity to be a great partner to my peers. As Ibarra suggested, my lack of vulnerability when I was wrong disabled me from evolving, and I couldn’t find a healthy balance between authority and approachability in my leadership role.
In 2018, I decided to take a step back from my career and go back to graduate school. I had been thinking about this decision for quite a while. I was craving the intellectual stimulation and accountability that I had found in academia, and after my husband passed away, I asked myself, “if not now, when?” Attending graduate school as you are grieving proved to be an incredibly introspective, reflective, and valuable experience. Vulnerability quickly became my most treasured value. I did a lot of “unlearning” during this time. My research at the George Washington University centered around postcolonial theory and how it could inform leaders in building a more inclusive workplace. For months I immersed myself in learning from different perspectives on history, race, power, leadership, the binary, class, culture — I could go on. Doing in-depth research for extended periods of time can change a person, and my experience was no different. I have always been of the belief that humans are inherently good, but as my research progressed, I found myself in a disorienting dilemma. Was I of this belief, that at the end of the day, most people are good, because of my privileges? Here I was, searching for answers and faced with paradox, again. I slowly started to consider humans are paradox. Along this journey, I came to learn about humanistic leadership and immediately recognized its potential for change. I discovered the work of Ming-Jer Chen. Concepts like the Middle Way, transparadox, and the both/and perspective began to help me reconcile the dueling opposites I had constructed, leading me to the understanding that opposites are two points on the same spectrum, needing each other to exist. Chen describes holism as “the idea of a self-other integration in which ‘self’ and ‘other’ are interdependent opposites that can only be defined as a pair and together form a totality” (2001).
I share these personal stories because instead of gaining answers over the years, I just have more questions- c’est la vie, right? In an age where Google facilitates the accessibility of all types of information with a tap, social media enables a unique platform for the biggest and smallest of voices to be heard, and fake news and facts are debated as equals, what role does critical thinking and reflection play? Who is right? Who is wrong? Is this binary even appropriate? Is there space for subjectivity and paradox? Are we allowing ourselves to learn and unlearn? If you stick to the story you are comfortable with, the story you have always known to be true, are you inhibiting your personal growth? Who are you excluding in the process?
As I continue my own search for answers, I am reminded of the significance of right and wrong; in fact, we need both for humanity to progress. To procure right and wrong, we have to continue learning; we need to intentionally draw out the lessons in our experiences and seek out new information. Everyone has something to contribute to the market place of ideas, and if you allow a liminal space for paradox, human development expands. In their book, Be Your Own Brand, David McNally and Karl D. Speak discuss the power of alignment and its role in relationships. They suggest, “alignment in a relationship is not an absolute, but a matter of degree. The opportunity to increase the level of alignment exists in almost every relationship. Creating alignment in a relationship requires an active involvement to always improve the connection (2002). The next time I am asked, “what is the good?”, perhaps my answer will be active listening. It is the thread that weaves together the story of context, providing a glimpse into someone’s mind, soul, and heart.
I am an eternal optimist and to wrap up, I feel compelled to highlight humanity and our interconnectedness. James Baldwin wrote, “Where all human connections are distrusted, the human being is very quickly lost.”
This article has emerged out of the “Humanizing Initiative,” which seeks to humanize leaders and organizations to cultivate leadership. For more information, please send an email to thehumanizinginitiative@gmail.com.
